Toni Stone April 5, 2007
401 Buck Hollow Rd
Fairfax, VT 05454
this is nothing trying to be something
whenever i have a big complaint, an unsavory seeming, or a semi-tragedy,
i call my coach to check in with her. she has seen it all and heard it all before.
she knows how attached i get to what it seems like. she lets me describe the gory details,
but only for less than a minute.
i allow my clients to go on with the descriptions for a little longer than that,
but not her, no, not her. she yells at me to, “drop it.”
she tells me it won’t do any good at all to keep on being enamored of the upset
by describing it in more detail or reigning any more emotion out of it or
investing further energy about it. she tells me,
“this is just NOTHING. . .and it’s trying to be SOMETHING.”
she tells me that it’s my job to take it’s life-with-me, away. . .
to deny its existence by deleting the drama of it. “stop giving it your attention.
stop looking at it. stop acting like it’s true.” she tells me all this.
i have heard it before. . .but, before she starts saying it again,
i want to rush to insert a few more slithery details about how more worse this one is,
than the last one i had to drop at her command. of course,
why am i calling her? why am i paying her? why do i ask her advice?
because i want to drop it. . .because i don’t want to angst over what’s not real.
because i want to learn to drop it. that’s how come she is on the phone.
i called her. she didn’t call me. i called her, but then i want to resist and keep the problem.
quickly in the conversation, i get to see what stupid behavior that is. . .
and, with her counsel, i can finally laugh and let go. even though i am born in the autumn,
i can allow someone to contribute to me. . .to remind me. . .
to help me out of what i no longer really want.
by the time i hang up the phone, i am grateful to remember,
“this is nothing and it’s trying like hell to be something,” and i am not letting it.
