Toni Stone April 20, 2004
401 Buck Hollow Rd.
Fairfax, VT 05454
plowing to the end of the row
what i see about myself so far this weekend, is that sometimes if i think someone does not want to be around me,
i leave them alone.
i draw back. i am a little bruised or insulted. i take myself away, subtly. what has become clear is that i lose from doing that. . .i miss their company. i suffer from the lack of what we had. instead of the withdraw, i can pursue that person anyway, if i really want to be with them. i can continue to invite them, to ask them. . .
this is an honest expression of what i want. its true. its real. it doesn’t matter whether they want to be with me. . what matters is that i genuinely stand in how it is for me, representing that. i must live like this, “i want your good company, if you want to give it.” not like this, “i don’t want to be around you”. . .that person can choose to be with me or not. i can’t control what they do, but i must be sure, my behavior mirrors what’s true for me. . .
not how to look good in the face of what i assumed they wanted. . .or didn’t want.
there is dishonesty in yearning for something, yet acting like i didn’t want it.
there is vulnerability to be known as what i want, whether i get it or not. . .
when i told my husband that i thought he would be the perfect partner for me, he said thanks, but i don’t think so. although i felt hurt and rejected. . .it was still true i did think that. . .i felt sad and angry he seemed not to agree,
but i didn’t change what i said. . .i didn’t make another message called, “who would ever want to be with you?
get away form me. i made a big mistake by telling you how i felt.” i stayed with what i said. i stood in it,
even though it didn’t seem to be true for him at the time. even though i was stunned by his response,
i walked around in it. in humility, i thought i had been guided to select him. i didn’t understand how i could have had that revelation or guidance.
two leeks later, he confessed he was afraid to be with me because i was the teacher he selected. i told him,
“you could marry your teacher,” we could be partners first and see how bad it was or not. six months later,
he told me our one year partnership agreement, had to be five years or he was leaving. then i was stunned again.
five years later, we got married.
none of this would have happened if i lied about what i wanted
and paid him back for not jumping at the opportunity of it right away.
people lose so much by not plowing to the end of the row.
