not-able-to-be-managed
…it used to be the case that no one could tell me what-to-do, advise me,
give a helpful opinion…ONLY I could tell me anything.
i never thought ME TELLING ME advise was a closed circuit. i thought PEOPLE WHO TOOK ADVICE were weak sisters, wimps, stupid bozos who should sit at the back of the bus indeed. not the action i wanted.
i knew best for me.
only i could see me
know me
talk to me about me.
i never considered how small a view this attitude afforded. i was happy in my little bubble of self-concern never getting that a person so WRAPPED UP IN SELF made a very small package as well as a lot of bad moves, big mistakes and plenty of hurt and pain for everyone.
if i met someone in my thirties when i was dating, for instance, that was UNAVAILABLE it wouldn’t bother me a bit. i would go out with him anyway.
i would make-up how he was really actually available after all or that i could meet the challenge of whomever else he was dating. signs and signals were not seen. advice from awake friends, telling me it wouldn’t work, was just static in my ears. mentors advising me otherwise, would make me laugh in disdain.
i was on a very high horse at that time. even when i got myself
HEARTACHE ALLEY, i would only look for friends, to listen to the painful blabbering until i could recollect myself and regenerate right back on the same DEMENTED AVENUES again.
i couldn’t be managed and i thought that meant i was superior, not stupid or unsupportable. i was proud of being so independent. i didn’t suspect i was acting like a jerk.
when my parents advised me not to marry the partner i selected, it made
him look, even more desirable. four years later, i was divorced and a single parent but i only thought myself victorious for being smart enough to leave.
it took quite awhile to see a pattern… when UNWORKABILITY OCCURRED
i was the one running the show. i blocked responsibility by noticing how wise
i was becoming from all the mistakes committed. it never occurred, that flags had been waved for me by people who cared. i only thought they were bossy bores trying to stop or slow down my good times. i only thought they were jealous of my fun and freedom. i only thought they were control freaks trying to run my life for me… and, i would arrogantly tell them so. soon no one bothered anymore to even offer to say what they saw.
i figured finally they had all been cured of their meddling in my circumstance.
i told them all a thing or two. they backed off and left me with my little messes.
i couldn’t be managed, contributed to, taught or helped.
i already KNEW IT ALL about everything.
i had not the faintest recollection…
that, i was doing same UNSUCCESSFUL BEHAVIORS over and over…
only names were changing. SAME STUFF, DIFFERENT DAY.
i got through every fresh security clearance, way ahead of times.
nobody stopped me. i was proud about it. being unsupportable.
one of my best teachers told me fifteen years ago that he, himself, had a big awakening the night HE FINALLY GOT IT that being UNSUPPORTABLE
was the key to his lack of real success. he said “i couldn’t let anyone tell me anything unless i thought of it first.” he said, “ i wondered why people who seemed less capable always were doing much better than me.” he didn’t know how come this was true. he realized early on that he was a truly bright,
energetic, guy… who was very very capable in working and planning. he said
“ i couldn’t understand that i was obstructed severely by a great unwillingness
to be contributed to and told anything.
both of us, are very grateful that even though we were so impermeable
at one time, finally help reached us. we let it in. it didn’t come so easy but
COME IT DID.
his revelation helped me to see. i pondered it quite a while as i became capable
to notice i had the very same story. being stuck and embedded in
what wasn’t noticed. when it was noticed, it got changed.
