Toni Stone Oct. 24, 2008
401 Buck Hollow Rd
Fairfax, VT 05454
complaining
there is such a tradition of complaining in my family.
i didn’t used to notice it before i started being self observant. . .
i didn’t notice it when i was with other people complaining
the same way fish don’t notice that they are swimming in water,
cause it’s all they ever know. born into water swimming in water,
dying in water, then floating away.
fish also probably don’t notice that pooping in water makes it mirky and dark
and then one can’t see very well. everyone is fuzzy after awhile. . .
it’s like that for people too. complaining without requests makes life dark.
everyone looks like a deranged character, after a while.
it’s just a matter of time till you can’t trust anyone or say anything anymore,
when the full brunt of complaining takes its toll. life looks pretty dreary then.
well, coming from the great tradition of bitching about stuff. . .
i’ve done my share of whining and dramatizing feeling unappreciated
or overworked. it would be fine, to feel that way once in awhile,
just shutting up about it. it’s a passing state.
it’s a fleeting feeling if no voice or drama is given to it.
it comes in and then it leaves. simple enough!
no one really wants to hear how overworked anyone else is.
no one really cares how unfair things seem to be.
no one really wants to get involved with someone else’s under-appreciation issues.
all this brings up their own darkness.
who needs help with that?
when i run the rag on how life doesn’t seem fair,
it just dumps murk into the space, like poo in a fish tanks clean water.
it sullies up the space that i live in with others. no one really welcomes it.
i don’t even like myself when i am doing uncommitted complaining.
i want to get away from my own self.
thankfully my husband helps me by waving a flag when i am headed down that avenue.
he asks me, “can you see what you are doing?”
i don’t always welcome that query right away.
then i see that it helps me stop myself when he notices the
grand tradition and i can choose another way to go. . .
i am grateful right after the brief resentment, that my drama got ended.
i am even more thankful later when i see it helps me like myself better,
each time i have ended the grand tradition of complaining.
it’s very difficult to get out of an old habit alone.
