Toni Stone March 1, 2003
401 Buck Hollow Road
Fairfax, VT 05454
fine fines
one of the rackets that used to run me was that if i had to pay a fine, it meant i was bad, wrong, inferior.
this meant really and first, that scarcity was a real issue. there was not enough, and so if i had to pay something,
it meant i was at threat, had less, was less, very threatening. . .
this also meant secondly that if i was corrected by a fine leveled at me, on me, someone discovered i had made some miss or mistake, this meant really that making mistakes was not allowed.
in other words, i couldn’t exist if i couldn’t produce excellence without making mistakes.
this meant really, and thirdly, that the way i am, which is that i learn as i go, was not acceptable.
its not okay to be corrected. its not okay to not be perfect. its not okay to learn as i go.
this meant really, that no matter what, i was not okay and the flimsy, scarcity, scarce, limited existence that i inhere in,
would not be able to sustain any seeming imperfection.
thankfully as i moved along in self observation, i came to see that i could always only ever expect mistakes with me and everyone. . .
if we ever would hope to do anything new or outside the already skilled realm. since mistakes could, would and should be happening now i resolved to enjoy them, have humor about them and for God’s sake, ALLOW THEM after all, since they just only ever would be going on anyway.
OH GOD, have mistakes, do them, bring them on. bad writing is better than
NO WRITING. go for it. stop being an asshole, stuffed with newspaper so nothing would get out.
blast it, make as many mistakes as possible, pay the fine, drop the whining.
so you know sometimes now i even correct my self by picking to pay a fine so i don’t even do the task.
just roll in, dole out the cash and laugh. fling it. ding it. wing it.
a new freedom to be wrong brings inordinate joy. i love fines. i roll around in fines.
they are fine and this attitude creates more money to pay them
. . .aloha fine city. good bye scarcity.
